If you are an Intended Parent looking to become parents through the surrogacy process, you have already made up a mind about what qualities you want in your Surrogate Mother. That is obvious!
But what about your relationship with the Surrogate Mother? How would the communication go and how frequent will be your contact? What level of openness do you expect from your Gestational Surrogate? And the biggest question – what would be the right kind of Intended Parent – Surrogate relationship?
Well, the truth is – there is no “right” type of relationship between Intended Parents (IPs) and their Surrogates. Why?
Because every surrogacy journey is unique! It’s up to you and your chosen Surrogate Mother to find what relationship is okay for you and what level of communication you are comfortable with.
It is those involved in the surrogacy who determine whether a surrogate relationship is healthy or not. In some cases, the Intended Parents and the Surrogate become very close within a short period of time. We found that the best surrogate – parent relationships are those that are allowed to play out naturally during the process. While it could take some time to create a bonding, note that it will eventually be worth it.
But still, there should be some common traits…
Yes.
We made an effort and contacted our surrogate community, and asked them what kind of relationship they wish to have during their gestational surrogacy. What they would expect most in their relationship with Intended Parents.
We saw that whether a Surrogate would like to speak with the parents every day or take scheduled calls only, every Surrogate Mother had her own ideal kind of bonding.
Then again, one common thing we noticed in the responses was the happiness Surrogate Mothers felt from being able to help another couple or individuals achieve their dreams of parenthood. We also found that while some Surrogates have formed a strong bond with their Intended Parents’ family, others decided not to keep in touch after the surrogacy journey.
Regardless, the following are the kinds of relationships we have classified to help you get a better picture:
- We are like family
- We will be visiting
- We are okay with occasional updates
- We have not stayed in contact, and that’s okay
1. We’re Like Family
Some Surrogates cannot hide their excitement when asked to describe the type of relationship they have with their Intended Parents. Here are some testimonies from our Gestational Surrogates who bonded with the Intended Parents as families.
“I see my Intended Parents as part of my family. We connected immediately after we are matched, and from that very moment, I could tell my surrogacy journey would be exciting. Everything was good. They were not only caring and supportive to me but also to my whole family. When I was submitting my application to be a Gestational Surrogate, I was wondering what my relationship with the hopeful parents would be. I didn’t expect that we were going to be this close, not to talk of having them as a part of my family.” – Surrogate with RSMC
I had the best relationship with my Intended Parents. We bonded well from the get-go, and our relationship continued to grow little by little since then. They send me updates and photos regularly, even now that the journey is completed. I will forever see them as a part of my family. – Surrogate with RSMC
I like my relationship with the Intended Parents and wished they are as involved as possible in the pregnancy. We would talk for hours many times during the surrogacy journey. Even now that the journey has ended, I still feel like they are a part of my family. – Surrogate with RSMC
2. We will be visiting
Intended Parents can come from anywhere. When the parents are from a different country, Surrogates may need to travel abroad to maintain their relationship.
“I loved my Intended Parents! When we met for the first time, it felt as if I had known them my entire life. We are now close friends and even my children like them. We talk every week over Skype since they reside in Paris. But we are planning to visit them this coming month.” – Surrogate with RSMC
My Intended Parents and I decided from the onset that we were not going to force a close relationship. We wanted our relationship to develop naturally. I personally preferred this because I don’t easily get close to people, especially if they’re complete strangers. But we ended up becoming the best of friends. I am so happy to have met these wonderful people. My family and I still receive regular updates and pictures from them after the completion of the surrogacy journey. We have already traveled to visit them once and can’t wait to visit them again. – Surrogate with RSMC
I was not expecting much from the parents at the beginning of the surrogacy process, but we hit off pretty quickly and easily. I feel lucky to have been paired with my Intended Parents. They even traveled miles to visit me during the pregnancy. We ended up knowing one another personally and had enough time to bond. My family and I have visited twice during and after the surrogacy journey. We were able to see the baby, and we hope to revisit them very soon! – Surrogate with RSMC
3. We are okay with occasional updates
A good surrogate relationship can also mean receiving occasional updates about the baby but not pressurizing anyone for them. Here’s what Surrogate Mothers think:
“Actually, I don’t want to have a close relationship with the Intended Parents. I did not think that would matter to me. I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant again and help someone in dire need. However, I think giving and receiving occasional updates is essential in order to maintain a healthy relationship. It seems to be more important than I initially thought. I love that the parents still keep me posted even if that means getting a few pictures once a year.” – Surrogate with RSMC
“My relationship with the Intended Parents is like the one that business partners would have. While we were both passionate and committed to the same goal, I wasn’t expecting weekly updates once the surrogacy process has been completed. Although I would like to be updated once in a while, the Intended Parents do not owe me anything. I’m only grateful for the amazing experience and being able to assist them.” – Surrogate with RSMC
“It was the second surrogacy journey, and my expectation was still the same as my first one. After the baby is born, I had some contacts with the intended family through photo updates every month or thereabout. We have a special relationship, but it’s nothing overwhelming since I also have to cater to my own family.” – Surrogate with RSMC
4. We haven’t stayed close, and that’s okay!
Some surrogate moms decide not to have a close relationship with the hopeful parents because that is what they are comfortable with.
“I wanted to have a great relationship with the Intended Parents when I was thinking of becoming a Surrogate Mother. We were quite close during pregnancy, but we became distant after the birth of the baby. Although I wished our relationship could have been better than it is, I think it would have been too hard for me.” – Surrogate with RSMC
Conclusion
Clearly, there is no one right answer regarding the best kind of relationship between a Surrogate and Intended Parents. The ideal relationship depends on each individual situation. However, it’s important to be frank and direct concerning the expectations and needs of both parties before proceeding in order to have a happy, comfortable surrogacy experience.
If you would like to become a parent or have any questions about the processes regarding surrogacy, please schedule a consultation with us. You can also visit our website to gather more information about gestational surrogacy.
